You are not too broken to be loved.
I think it’s great that you have this beautiful, romantic ideal of how you want to be loved and you deserve it. This ultimate full body experience of being loved and you should write it down and keep it close by so you don’t forget you deserve that kind of love.
I struggle with it myself. I’ve tried to live as if though “love” isn’t necessary in my life, remind myself that maybe those were just the cards I was dealt and that’s fine. But I don’t think anyone who loves me would be happy with me thinking that and it wouldn’t set a good example for people like me who do, in fact, need love.
You should remember there are different kinds of love. It isn’t just friend and lover, and you can define these different types with the people, you know, you’re involved with. So I don’t think it’s truly useful to write the things down you want in a lover per say, but how you want to be loved.
To me, it’s remembering that being social is still hard for me, so when I show up I hope it means something a little more than nothing. It’s in “tell me when you get home” texts and “good mornings” and “good nights” especially in “just thinking of you”. It’s in giving me space at odd times when I ask for it or squeezing my hand when you lead me through an event.
Love is felt in hugs that matter, not touching my hair, realizing we’re about to be too drunk for a glass each so we share a glass of wine. It’s you simply liking posts because you want to know that I know you saw it. When we go for late night drives with the music blasting, no conversation, it’s definitely hidden in “thank you for being patient” and less so in “I’m sorry I’m bothering you”.
It’s in disagreeing and arguing to reshape our weird ideologies we came up with as children and never had truly challenged until now, in stern talking to’s and gentler “are you okay”s. “Where are you going, who with, do you have your phone, when will you be back, call me if you need someone. No, look at me, call me if anything happens.” It’s in answering the question I asked and not the one you wanted to answer.
And I think it’s also important to know how you will love…especially if you didn’t listen and wrote about your ideal sexy partner. It’s fine.
I love like an inferno. I’m loud so I can rattle the very bones of your insecurities back into nothingness and strike fear into the contorted heart of your self loathing. I’m not always present, for obvious reasons, but I’ll show up when you need me, when you think no one else will come. I’ll be front and center, rallying like no other because I love you.
I love that my love is a heavy thing and my trust is almost impossible to earn. It’s heavy so even in the darkest moments you can never say no one loves you because you will know that I do. I could write pep talks for days that will last you weeks, wrestle you for your keys with no hesitation because we’re all getting to tomorrow, I’ll wake up a whole city to find your ass after you threw away your medication. My full trust is hard won because it’s valuable. It’s mine. I treasure it and so should the people who want it.
My love has short comings, I’m not quite skilled with the little moments, I’m still too scattered and heavy to be that light. But I’ll introduce you to people I think will be good to you in ways I can’t. I can come up with plans at the drop of a hat so nothing is ever truly impossible. I can hug you like it’s the most important thing I’ve ever done. I’ll ask questions because I care even if it’s hard to hear answers and I’ll tell you the truth to the best of my ability.
Is love supposed to hurt? I think it can be like a weird ache, like when you exercise after you haven’t exercised in a long time. It feels good but it’s achy, a little too unfamiliar, which means you’ve got to do it more. Not throw it all at one person who isn’t receptive, but to strangers with a helping hand, into little compliments to your friends, buying someone coffee. There are a handful of people I love with like my whole body, they check all the boxes: I’m safe, I trust them, we’re equally happy in our relationship. Sometimes, I think I love them too much because I get so excited I tire myself out quickly. (I have a liiiiittle body, and BIG emotions.)
But I think with any kind of love you find, there shouldn’t be this definitive list of “right” answers, or one is at the mercy of the other, even with BDSM (it’s supposed to hurt in a good way). Love in all its forms should empower you, especially when you’re in a dark place, it should be a guiding light out. It should mend all the broken thoughts of being unlovable into ways you fall in love with yourself. It should give you strength to ask questions that build trust and bring you closer to the person you want to be and the person/people you’d like to be with.
If you’ve got the awareness and the spoons, you can also write down how you need to improve being loving. Like I should being more of an active listener and demonstrating the respect people show me when they give me their time. (Been a little too space cadet lat-look a cat!) I should shake this weird possessive vibe I’ve got both in my life and my behavior, for so many reasons (it’s a 3/10, when I would like it to be a 1ish). Off the top of my head? If I really believe everyone should be friends with my friends, I need to leave a little more space for them to go build those relationships because that’s being a good friend. Let the unicorn friend be the unicorn friend. I need to ask better questions to build stronger trust with people, and probably share this post with people I want a loving relationship with. I could also relinquish the death grip I’ve got on my boundaries. They shouldn’t be concrete walls with no way in, they should be there but welcoming to those who deserve it.
And to myself, babe I could really work on giving myself a break every now and then and just introducing water and like I don’t know, a carrot to my diet.
You are NOT unlovable. You might just be in a place in your life where you need a little extra love. You might just be realizing that you’ve surrounded yourself with people you don’t check any of the boxes which is fine or finer still, with people who only check the boxes right now. You might not even know how you would like to be loved yet and that’s okay too.
17 year old me did not know any of this and even 24 year old me didn’t know half of this. I didn’t know how to receive love (sometimes I still don’t), how to show love, or even desire to be loved. But get this, the world isn’t the harsh black and white, loved or unloved place. I wasn’t unlovable, look at that list. Do you see those places for growth? For an entirely new version of myself to spring up that knows how to receive love, how to show love, and even EVEN desire to be loved? Because that’s how we got here!
You are going to make mistakes, you are going to bite the wrong hands, you are going to need to be loved in a unique way until you are strong enough to love on your own, and it’s not impossible. It’s not impossible and I am proof. It’s going to take some work, some truly heavy lifting but just like exercising, it’s going to get easier. It’s going to get easier and you are going to be so good at loving and being loved.
Until next time,
Don’t be hungry for life. Be ravenous.
Zakkarrii Edison Daniels